Round and round the big wheel goes. Where it stops, nobody knows. Wait- it stopped on green. Time for you to be fed to the sharks.
Welcome to Highland City. Good evening, dear listeners. Don’t forget today was the annual Grizzly Bear Day. If you don’t remember, Grizzly Day is the day where you sacrifice your enemies to the massive grizzly bears roaming our town in hopes the peace treaty will be kept and they won’t slaughter us all. You never know if you’re someone’s enemy or not, so always keep your eyes everywhere, and a knife in hand so you can sacrifice the ones who try to sacrifice you. So, if you’re still listening: Surprise! You either are overly-nice and haven’t made any enemies, you sacrificed someone of your own, or you hid under your bed the other time crying and hoping the madness will end. Any way you did it, good job on remaining alive and unharmed, minus a few bruises and a severed limb of course. Anyways, tomorrow should be looking brighter and more beautiful than ever! Street cleaners will be going around until noon cleaning the blood of the streets, so it’s probably best to stay inside until they’re done. Don’t want any mysterious accidents, now, would we. In a few minutes is the first meeting of the new Goat Club, led by our very own Intern Abby! Intern Abby is a huge fan of goats, so she decided to start a club dedicated to them. Sign-ups are posted all around the local businesses, including The Pizza Shack. Speaking of The Pizza Shack, they have stopped serving pizza altogether. “The economy is rough,” owner Theo Graham said. “It’s become too costly to make pizza anymore.” Even though he was clearly standing there, holding a large cheese pizza in a Pizza Shack box. He claimed it was a pizza from their biggest rivals, Chicken and More, but they just ran out of plates. I guess if you want good quality pizza, stop by Chicken and More. Chicken and More is located on the corner of Main Street and Armstrong Boulevard. You’ll recognize it by the iconic yellow roof and the sound of tortured screaming and the smell of burnt plastic. Chicken and More: We serve chicken, we serve more. It’s not that hard. This just in: Intern Abby has just informed me that one of the goats has gotten very feisty. It tried to bite her, before running, screeching loudly, behind a dumpster outside The Pizza Shack. More on the goats later. And now – an editorial. Don’t you hate it when you’re watching a movie or an episode of a T.V. show you haven’t seen yet, and some annoying dude spoils it for you, whether online or not? Well, it’s your lucky day! Today I present to you Oliver’s Tips for Avoiding Spoilers! #1- Don’t go online at all. Just don’t. Especially if whatever show or something is already airing/has already aired in another time zone. #2- To avoid spoilers from real life humans or creatures, just avoid beings altogether and just stay in your house. Mute texts. Avoid the living, and conspire with the dead. #3- Make sure if people you know are about to spoil, keep noise cancelling headphones with you and plan on sacrificing them the next Grizzly Bear Day. These have been my tips on avoiding spoilers and ruining your favorite show or a new movie for yourself. And now: A word from our sponsor. Words are useless, no? They’re just a construction of different letters fabricated to have a sort of meaning unknown to the universe, traveling through space with no end in sight. They just fly around and cause harm, but what harm is it really when they’re just words? Words swirling through the universe, and in our heads. Walmart: Cheap Prices on Useless Items to Sustain You Until You Inevitably Die. Another update on the goats. More goats have done the same thing the first one, apparently named Quincy, has done. They’ve tried to bite the people nearby, and ran, screeching loudly, behind the dumpster outside The Pizza Shack. Some people report a strange glowing from behind the dumpster, and Intern Abby went to go check. Oooh, that does not good. It seems like the goats, due to some mutation and eating the wrong dumpster burger, have turned vampiric, and ready to strike. One of them lunged at Abby. To the family of Intern Abby, she will be greatly missed. She might still hang around, but as far as we know she is a vampire thanks to her own goat Quincy. Goats are starting to roam the streets, following their leader, Quincy. Wow, uh, lovely weather we’re having today, no? https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=n6P0SitRwy8 The goats have returned to normal. Thank you to June Hyland at the university for the help. She managed to get the vampirism out of the goats. Sadly, the same cannot be said for the humans the goats bit, including Intern Abby. Abby’s a vampire, but she will continue to remain interning until the sun or the inevitable hunter kills her. I must say, her dedication to this program is astounding, considering she can’t work mornings now. Stay tuned next for the sound of silence. Not the song by Simon and Garfunkel, or the cover by Disturbed. The literal sound of silence, as you think about your life. And as always, goodnight, listeners. Goodnight. Welcome to Highland City is written by Olivia H. Intern Abby is my friend Abby (The Emotionally Unstable Native American Soap on Google Plus). The voice of Highland City is Molly (Sinnamon Roll on Google Plus). Today's weather was Heart-Shaped Box by Nirvana. If you have any questions, comments or feedback, contact the author on her Wattpad (squishasfrick), her Twitter (ViTheFangirl), her Google Plus (Regina Mills Trash #1), or, of course, this site. Today's proverb: "Expect the unexpected. For example, don't expect to die, as that is expected. Expect to live forever, feeding off the souls of the innocent. Now that is truly unexpected".
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